I'm going nowhere

Hello c:

Here I am writing again only to share (rant) my frustration again. You can lend me a pair of eyes to read or just simply ignore this and pretend that this blog post is never existed.

I’m being a unproductive procrastinator again (okay I know all procrastinator is unproductive. DUH.). I have a 10-15 pages essay waiting for me and I haven’t made a move on it (exclude deciding the title and repairing the pre-given cover). I have nothing to blame, it’s all to me after all. A job that at first I thought I’d finish in 2 weeks or so has been neglected for 18 days (yes I’ve been counting). A job that now that I already knew what to write, I think I’ll be able to finish it in 5-7 days. 

Last night I had a sleepless night. It had been a while since I have one lol (but now I could related Midnight very well, I wanna sleep tonight in the midnight~♪). A series of event happened in four hours time span (I decided that ‘okay I won’t be able to fall asleep at this rate’ on 12AM). I lurked around reading people’s blogs, fangirls’ blogs to be exact, and it amazed me how they could do a lot of…exciting things in their life, how they could go somewhere, whether to chase their dreams or just having fun. And looking back to myself, in which I haven’t done something significant lately, moreover going somewhere. Envious isn’t the right term to be honest. It’s just I am kinda disappointed in myself that I didn’t do thing that I could do in the first place. Well…back to the essay, I could finish that if I really get my ass to sit and type like this. But why didn’t I do this earlier? These fellows lead a busier life than mine (yes they are, one chasing her O level and the other one works for United Nations COOL HUH?) yet they could fulfilled both their real life and fangirl needs lol. And now I turn a simple thing as finishing an essay into a kind of life threatening situation. I am sorry, okay?

Well, like my previous post about being upset easily, I think I’ve fallen into that phase again. But now rather than upset, it’s more like moody and depressed. Okay depressed might be a serious term, but I didn’t realized how depressed I was (if depressed even a correct term) about what future might held for me until I cried last night. Embarrassing, yes. But I’m just trying to be honest lol. It felt like all of my pent-up frustrations have reached a turning point which I couldn’t handle. But as the coward I am, I couldn’t admit to myself that I cried because I was scared of future, I blamed the past instead. Remembering some sad things that had happened to me while listening to an upsetting song. A precise example of ‘opening raw memories’; letting them get into me. But it was kinda relieving since I don’t feel that pressured again (pressured should be a better term than depressed, yes?) again. And again I embarrassingly admit that I am a kind of people who blame the past every time I feel an urge to cry.

I am writing these things up as a summed up of how I’ve been feeling lately. Ups and downs. The fact that I have a university to attend in one month, the fact that I’ve moved into a new residence, and even the fact that Ramadhan has came. Those facts, consciously or not, had affected me. It has been almost a year and a half that I have responsibility on school thing, so it’s a little bit hard for me (cue the essay thing). Moving into a new residence that made me haven’t been able to go meet my friends for a while. And Ramadhan which kinda messed my already messed up biological hour. 

I don’t know anything else I need now but:

1. Start writing up my essay,

2. A nice and long talk over a cup of iced coffe or frapuccino c:

Thank you for lending me a pair of your eyes (if there is anyone who actualy read this lol) and bye★